Being positive

By redpanda On October 8th, 2009

For so long now having battled with depression and thinking I am making headway with it, something happens and it puts me back a few steps in the road to recovery. For example, yesterday I had what could only be described as a black mood after being alone for just 3 hours. I wanted some time to think and something happens and I just flip. The only things I can remember are having a bath and a bowl of soup afterwards.  It scared me again and made me wonder if I really am getting better. I think I now know what triggered it and that was wanting to sort out the issues with  Ryan’s school for myself and not letting anyone interfere with it. Its something I have not felt in control of as Tim has been dealing with it but we both went to the school this morning and talked to them so hopefully this time it has worked.

I am trying to be positive and put all bad things and the past out of my mind in an effort to get better. I want to make my family proud of me for one thing. I want to prove to them that I can be a better person than I have been as I have let them down badly in the past. I sometimes wonder how they have put up with me and all I have put them through. So positive thoughts………….well, making decisions for myself that are for the good of the family is a starting point. No more rash decisions that are not always right. Putting other family members first instead of me all the time and to stop  being selfish to the point that they don’t like what I became.  Putting the past firmly away in a box where it can never be brought out again. Bringing happiness back into the house instead of all the hurt and pain there has been.

The hardest thing has been learning to like myself again which is something that I don’t feel that I do at the moment………..I end up crying when I hate myself but then I look at my family and think I am so lucky to have them. I think the most important thing is to come through this with the love and support of my family and then I can be the person I was before.  At least I hope I can.

So here is to a positive life with no (or very few) negatives in it and a future where we can all be happy……………

More random waffling at the weekend.