Once in a while……………

By redpanda On June 1st, 2009

I just feel like escaping from it all. Not so much recently but when the depression was not quite at its worst I used to feel like walking away from everything and going somewhere else. The reality being I would never leave my kids anyway but there were times when I felt as though if I did not I would explode. Now Tim will be the first to tell you that my mood swings can be a total nightmare. I become aggressive, scream and shout, and the worst thing is I can never remember anything the next morning. It is sort of like waking up after a night out getting drunk but not having touched a drop of alcohol. I don’t drink now a days anyway but I used to be a heavy drinker. Now I get the odd day like lunch time today for example, where I could have quite fancied a glass of wine, but put the idea out of my head immediately because I knew that would only lead to trouble. Now all I drink is fizzy water and diet coke. I feel better for it too. With the help of the medication that I am on and giving up alcohol I am a lot happier than I used to be.

So why do I feel that something is missing. It can’t be a mid life crisis as I have already done that. It is not that the family have done anything to make me feel like this because they have been brilliant (even though we have our ups and downs). Is it because I am not in a high pressured job anymore? No if anything I feel more relaxed and less stressed about work than I have done in years. So what is it? I have my own home (3 bed semi on the outskirts of town). Two wonderful kids, a husband who I know loves me even though my mid life crisis put him through hell. A job that although mundane is satisfying. Like most people we have money worries but we can over come those I hope. I have friends all over the place thanks to being involved in the kiting community. I have my own website and many hobbies that I love.

May be the answer is staring me in the face and I just can’t see it. Ok so what I would like to do. Visit more kite beaches up and down the country. Do that OU course that I plan to do when I have the money. Visit our friends Rob and Emma and the kids out in New Zealand. Learn to drive. Set up my own business in something like photography. The thing is which of these will come to fruition first due to money. Time will tell but one day I will get there.

Think an early night is in order. My brain is about to turn to mush and I may disappear in a cloud of smoke……………..