Oooo now I did not expect that……………x 2

By redpanda On May 21st, 2009

After watching the Speedway last night I commented on how I had never been to a Grand Prix before and if he wanted ideas for my birthday then I would like to go to Cardiff for the British GP which is 2 weeks after my birthday. So low and behold tonight he has only been and gone and ordered tickets for all 4 of us to go. Woo Hoo can I do a happy dance? That has seriously made my day. I am so looking forward to it but it is going to be a very long day. Its about a three and a half hour drive each way and the meeting starts at 5pm so although it should be finished at a reasonable time it means we still will not get home til about one in the morning. Oh I really am happy about it. It means the world to me.

Work is going really well still and we have been offered overtime from next week. I am pleased with the way things are going and two agencies called me today about work. One was an agency that I registered with a week or so ago and the other sent me for an interview for a company in Verwood when I first became out of work but they turned me down but gave a very good feedback and now they have had another post come up and they want to talk to me again. I have said I would but I am happy doing what I am doing and don’t feel pressured at all where as I was before.

The music thing at work is interesting. Talking to some of those who do listen while they work opened my eyes to a bit more of the music world. They listen to anything from Lady Gaga to metal to trance and a lot more besides. Think I’ll stick to Jack Johnson and maybe some Appo podcasts. Want to hear the new Green Day CD once him indoors has sorted it out.

Keeping it short tonight. Its a long weekend so who knows what we will get up to.

Following on from

By redpanda On May 20th, 2009

last night, I got my wild card prediction for the British Speedway Grand Prix right. I said either Edward Kennett or Tai Woffinden and well they both had a good night. Chris Harris a deserving winner though and Eddie did really well to get to Cardiff. I have dropped huge hints tonight about going to Cardiff for the British GP for my birthday present. Whether it will happen or not I have no idea. On the subject of speedway, we have a new local team called the Bournemouth Buccaneers and they have their first home National League meeting tomorrow night. Against the King’s Lynn Barracudas (used to be at Boston). The best thing of all is that entry to it is free as its their first one. Guess we will go down and see it. I haven’t been to speedway for a good 3 years so its about time I went again. I watch it on Telly most weeks and most of the GP’s. I wish I could afford to go every week but for the whole family to go would cost in the region of £60.00 and that is without drinks or food. I miss the old days like going to Poole every week with my best friend, going on away trips and getting home at silly o’clock in the morning. Going to World Finals in Germany and Bradford in the 1980′s before they changed it to the GP system, going to the old White City stadium in London for assorted World Team Cup finals, ticker tape (made out of an old phone book pinched by someone from a phone box) at Eastbourne, oh and the old Halifax circuit, Sausage and chips at Watford Gap services at one in the morning with Rock band The Moody Blues………….I could go on but it would get boring……………

Feel reasonably happy today. Nothing major has happened and my mood for once is fairly upbeat. The day got better as it went on. Work was good. Worked 8.30 til 4.30 and doing the same again tomorrow. I like it that way as it means I can get home at a sensible time and not have to think about tea straight away.

The diet is not going as well as I would like it to, I gained a pound over the last two weeks. Not surprised as I was off work last week between jobs and I tend to eat more when I am at home. The new magazine has a load of fabulous recipes to try this time so if they work I may post them on here. A lot of them have a sort of Caribbean feel to them or are good Summer recipes.

Not much else to tell today so I’ll leave it at that.

Trusting People and more about me………………

By redpanda On May 19th, 2009

Well another day has come and gone and there is not really a lot to tell. Work went well apart from when the system crashed (server is in Northampton) and I sort of conquered the escalator but time will tell. Tried one of their chicken salads today in the canteen and it was really nice. I also found out that the girl I work with is off to America for two weeks in two weeks time so it means I need to get to know the other people a bit quicker than I thought I would have to. I am very wary of people until I get to know them and find it hard to trust people which is why I only have a handful of real friends. Those close to me are the only people I trust and respect. The other thing with me is I either like a person or I hate them. There is no middle ground. And I am also pretty accurate in my opinion of people and rarely get it wrong which I why when I do trusting those around me becomes more important than ever.

I was sat here and remembered that they told us to lessen the boredom we can take in mp3 players to listen to while we work. Then realised mine needs charging. I love music. I can listen to almost anything except Jazz and Country music. I like Rock mostly but also think that some R ‘n’ B and modern Punk is quite good. My favorite at the moment is Kings Of Leon CD Only By The Night which I can listen to all the time. Well that and The Ting Tings We Started Nothing. I find Jack Johnson relaxing especially In Between Dreams and Brush Fire Fairy Tales. Definitely work related music. I think that if I blast my ears out with AC/DC or The Foo Fighters the boss won’t be very happy.

Sleep is another issue. Its either all or nothing and more often than not it is nothing or very little anyway. I don’t know why or if it has something to do with the depression. Some days I feel I could sleep all day other days I am so energetic that I feel as if I could run a marathon. I just wish I could switch off completely and sleep properly for once.

More random stuff tomorrow after Speedway’s British Final. I think that the Wild Card for the Gand Prix series will be Edward Kennett or Tai Woffinden but I would love to see Joe Screen upset the apple cart and qualify.

New Job and Phobias

By redpanda On May 18th, 2009

First day in the new job and have been told that the contract is likely to go on until April next year at least. The department I am in was originally going to be moved to Northampton in April but is now staying indefinitely with a decision being made by March as to whether it is going to move and if so where to. It is basically secured data input and I cannot say any more than that. The people there are nice and they have a good staff restaurant which is good for the diet as they have a salad bar and deli bar which does low cal/fat lunches for about £1.50. The also do breakfasts but I think I will avoid them for the moment. We all take our breaks together too which is nice cos we get to know the team a bit better. Most of us are agency staff there. It is not bad at all. The only downside is when I leave the building. You can only go in and out by escalator. At the front of the building is a very large glass area. Now if there is one thing I have a phobia about (apart from a very severe one to do with snakes and also fire) it large areas of glass. In one job I had I refused to sit by the window as it ran floor to ceiling and was quite wide. Anyway getting back to today, it took me 10 minutes to get out of the building because of this flipping window. I think the security guy thought I was nuts. (He would not be far wrong to be honest) I ended up waiting until there was at least one other person who could go down in front of me before I got on the escalator. If there is someone in front of me there is no problem. Going up is not a problem either as you don’t see the glass.

The phobia to do with snakes stems back to a family picnic in the New Forest as a child, when out for a walk from our picnic base with my sister and two friends I almost trod on an Adder. I have been terrified of snakes ever since and will not go in a reptile house at the zoo or even look at a picture of them or look at them on the TV. And as for the thought of holding one………..don’t even go there. My friend Debs son has a pet snake and much as Ryan loved it I would not go anywhere near it when we visited them. The Fire phobia again is a bit odd. I could never light a match even at guide camp to light the fire and when I was younger my Mum put on an electric heater when we got back from a few days away one time and did not realise that some paper had fallen inside and it caught fire and it again terrified me. I still cannot light a match even now.

Today was also Ryan’s birthday. He loves his Cube World blocks and also the Snoopy book and Lego Star Wars and Indiana Jones stuff and the DS bits he got too. Ok we had a chocolate cake for his birthday cake which did not do the diet a lot of good but it was yummy and there is some left for tomorrow night. He also got a lot of money for his birthday and he says he wants to get family ski and snowboard for the Wii. I cannot believe he is 9 already. It seems like only yesterday he was coming home.

On the subject of the Wii, I really must get back into Wii Fit. I’ve not done it for ages and miss it in a sense. I stopped because I was exhausted after work all the time and had no energy. Now I work better hours I can try and concentrate on the things I love best. Hopefully the time factor will also help towards combatting the depression. There have been more up days than down days recently. There are a few issues I need to get my head round but things are starting to come together and that can only be good for me. The medication is fine and I feel as if I have reached a turning point now in my recovery.

Blooming weather

By redpanda On May 17th, 2009

Well today was supposed to be the SEKA (South East Kiting Association) Event day at Lordshill. Decided that due to the fact the rain at 8.30 this morning was coming in the bedroom window horizontally that it was probably a non starter, which is a shame as its about the nearest they ever get to us here. It was really heavy rain and it did wake me up. But for the rest of the day the wind has been howling. And I mean howling. Its been so strong it has knocked over the garden furniture again.

We moved into this house 7 years ago today. I’ll never forget it. It rained that day too. It was such a relief to move in the end so that the kids had their own rooms and that they had a big garden to play in. In the front you can probably get 4 or 5 cars if you wanted to. The back is about 40 foot long by about 30 foot wide. In retrospect the size of the garden did not matter as long as it was not shared like at the flat. I will never forget walking in here and saying it was finally ours.I’ll post a picture sometime of what it looks like now. Still needs work doing to it. I keep saying we will do this or we will do that but we never have the time.

Been to see the Mother in Law today as well to pick up Ryan’s cards. As usual she has something to moan about. The strange thing is that I get on better with her now than when the Father in Law was alive. Not sure why but I do. Also saw my great Nephew Elijah whilst we were there. He is two and he is absolutely stunning. I love his red/gold hair. Ryan had that when he was born then went blond and now is quite dark. I wish it had stayed red but then Kristie was white blond when she was born and is dark blond now.

Bit nervous about this job I am starting tomorrow if the truth be known. I am not sure what to expect apart from inputting info into a computer. I know they have a staff canteen on site but that is all. The money is not brilliant but its a job and it is bringing money in. I wish that the council would contact us regarding the posts that I have applied for through them. I just feel that working for them would be so right for me.

I hope the weather is better tomorrow. I hate the thought of starting a new job looking like a drowned rat…….

Eurovision and other rubbish

By redpanda On May 16th, 2009

Well that was hilarious. Normally only watch the voting which is always political but not so much this year due to the change in voting which still made me laugh. Was I the only one who thought that the Albanian entry deserved more votes than it got? For once the UK did well considering that the song seemed different to most of the rest. Not sure what Armenia and Moldova were doing but I thought they were dreadful.

Went down to Sandbanks earlier. Watching the kite surfers on both the harbour side and the beach at Shore Road. Very gusty winds down there and no one seemed to be jumping as they were on much smaller kites and it was long runs rather than the short runs you often get there.

Been thinking about work on Monday and what I really want to do in the future. I am going to look at doing an Open University course in either Health and Social Care or Psychology. It all stems from the last temp job at the council and I would like to do something to help those in more difficult positions than my own family. It is something that I have thought of doing before but never seemed to have the time or the money to do anything about it but hopefully that will change and I will be able to do something about it.

What is it about sea air though that makes you feel tired? One of lifes mysteries like many other like which came first the chicken or the egg and why does the wind always blow in the wrong direction when you want to go flying. Why also do teenagers think they know it all? And most of all why oh why does nobody ever listen clearly to what they are told? Ok I admit to being guilty of that too but not as much as some I could mention. Its why I have a calendar on the PC and everyone is supposed to update it. So why am I the only one who does? Answers on a post card please……………..

Woo hoo hang the flags out

By redpanda On May 15th, 2009

I have a new job to start on Monday. Data Input for a firm that deals in pensions and life insurance for the older generation. It may not be what I want to do but it will bring in money and also add another string to my bow so to speak. Anyway it Monday to Friday 9-5 and the place has a gym and a subsidised restaurant which I have seen before and it looks good. I wish I did not have to start on Ryan’s birthday but so be it. Its a long term temp contract which could go on for months. The irony is I was on my way in to see the agency when they called me about it anyway.

Also after having an argument with her managed a rather nice lunch with my daughter today. She seems to pick a fight with anyone and everyone over the least little thing. Today’s argument was over the state of her bedroom (or should I call it a tip or a pig sty) which has driven me nuts for ages. I have even threatened her with clearing everything out and dumping it now as I am so fed up with her lack of doing anything.

Other than that not really done much today apart from try and job search online and sorting out finances. Chuffed as hell cos I got a tax rebate I was not expecting for a few more weeks. Makes life easier for me in a lot of respects. Just got to get a few bits for Ryan’s birthday and we are sorted.

Been thinking though…..about the way life is at the moment……..I have good days (like today) and then I have horrendous days where I can’t get anything right and I want to stop the world and get off. The good news is that these days are getting less and less. I have issues that I struggle with some of the time but not all of the time. Today has made me so happy in so many respects but there is still that little niggle at the back of ny mind that something is not right. I can’t explain why though. May be the doctor can when I see him next.

More random thoughts tomorrow I’m sure.

Homemade Pizza and other thoughts

By redpanda On May 14th, 2009

Well I did pizza for tea tonight. My lot love them because they can pick and choose what they want on them. I like them because I can make them diet friendly. I love trying to adapt things so they are good on the diet but sometimes they don’t work that well. I am not the worlds greatest cook but I like to try.

I had a quiet day today. Apart from doing the school run I have been no further than the paper shop. I get fed up with going out and about all the time and spending money we have not got on bus fares. I wish I could drive sometimes. It would make life so much easier. But then again parking can be a nightmare and in some places cost a small fortune. Still I managed to apply for a few more jobs and him indoors has been working from home too so did not get disturbed too much.

It rained today as well. The one day I put three loads of washing on the line and it chucks it down. So now I have wet washing all over the place and no hope of airing it outside if the weather is anything to go by as it is due to rain all weekend. Not happy about that as SEKA have an event day at Lordshill in Southampton on Sunday and I could do with getting out and flying. I like Lordshill. Wind can be a bit lumpy but it is bigger than Baiter so that has to be a plus point. Kristie is working in the evening this Sunday and can’t go but thats life. Ryan will love it though.

Talking of Ryan its his birthday on Monday. No party as its an expense that we can do without at the moment but he has got some nice presents to come. He is also getting a special day out to do with one of his favorite subjects, trains. He does not know about this yet though.

Enough waffle for today. Oh Except that the Poole Pirates beat the Lakeside Hammers last night……..woo hoo we are on our way back at last.

What is it about people

By redpanda On May 13th, 2009

That seems to get my back up at the moment.

Yesterday for example I went and registered with an agency who said that they had vacancies only to get the don’t call us we’ll call you treatment. Mind you it seems like that everywhere I go at the moment. I went to sign on today as the temp job has now finished and got told I have to wait til the last of that money has gone into the bank. So that means I cannot do anything until Monday now. I need to work to keep what is left of my sanity.

I also had an at home day today apart from that trip to the job centre. It was lovely to just be here on my own with a little bit of time to think about the future, look on line at job vacancies, read some Slimming World recipes and just do a bit of housework. We (Ryan and I) even tried to bake some rather large chocolate chip cookies! Well that is what they started out as. They turned into a giant flat looking cake that filled the whole of the baking tray. Mental note to self….I have never been much of a baker may be now is the time to learn. I am also going back to menu planning for the week. I stopped a few weeks back and wished I had not. Trying to find something low fat to do with the several packs of diced beef I have in the freezer is not as easy as I thought it would be.

I wish I knew why I feel so low and depressed some days. Yesterday I felt really low but today was completely different. I felt really high but strangely sad. I think that is something to do with coming to terms with my condition. I have never really accepted my depression had such an impact on my life until recently. Now I have to get things in order so that I can change things for the better. And that means making lots of changes. For the past few years I have not been a very likeable person in some respects. I have not only let my family down but let myself down. The more it has happened the more depressed I have become. Not any more. I will stop doing the things that I should not be doing and dedicate more time to the things that I should be doing. May be then I can learn to like myself again, and then may be my family will have more faith and trust in me. I love my family so much and I hate myself for letting them down but I will do this not only for me but for them to. I have to stop feeling negative and become more positive and more assertive.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Its Monday

By redpanda On May 11th, 2009

Need I say more. Today has been ok up to a point. The good things being the CBT appointment which went well and talking to the agency that got me the last temp job in the hope that they can get me another one. The down side was too much time running around on buses. I hate not being able to drive but the other side of the coin on that one is that if I could we could not afford to run a car. Luckily for us him indoors has a company car and we pay a certain amount towards fuel each month.

I managed to get Ryan a book he wanted for his birthday next week. Its a Snoopy book and that biy is just crazy about dogs. He has a very well loved Andrex Puppy (called Puppy) that goes more or less everywhere with him. Except school of course.

Still feel very hormonal. Feel a bit at a loss too as no work at the moment. I need to work to keep my mind occupied. Spoke to a few other agencies as well and there is not a lot on the temp or permanent scene at all at the moment.

Did not even get to weigh in tonight as the CBT over ran. Bit cross about that as I really wanted to go tonight. I like our group meets on a Monday night. It makes me feel good whether I lose weight or not. Having lost 2 stone in a year is good news for me. I also like trying some of the different recipes in the magazine and a couple of the books I have. Mental note to self. Do not ever get disillusioned when you have a small gain. Its not worth stressing out about.

Not a lot else to tell so I’ll leave it there today.

More random mutterings tomorrow.