Mid week mutterings………….

By redpanda On February 24th, 2010

Well half term was great…………….took the kids to Southampton for the day on the Tuesday…………had a great time looking around and doing all sorts of things and trying to decide what we liked and what we did not…………..had lunch in Pizza Hut……………Ryan loved his cheesy garlic bread……………..it was just sooo nice but rather pricey……………told them next time we eat at IKEA………………now that is another story all together as I could have easily spent a couple of hundred pound in there……………..I love their kitchen and bathroom stuff…………………..and their bedroom stuff,  furniture, food, the list is endless………………….but we took all day about going around there and West Quay and it was a really good jelled together day………………..

I am still spending a lot of time job hunting…………….got an interview next week for Aquacare who are the local water boards assistance team………………also looking at temp work but my main contact is getting very little response…………….there are jobs out there if only they would take into consideration those with few formal qualifications………………………Have just checked what I am likely to get and when and it has all been confirmed…………..I even get my pension contributions back………………..but not until May at the earliest…………..

Been out on the bike again……………only 11 miles but my knee is agony………….I even struggle to get off the sofa sometimes…………………..I find it so annoying………………Tim has been off work 2 days with a bad neck cos of cycling……………….I wish he would tell me where the pain is………….I would have massaged it……………

Now I love music…………….I get whinged at for my taste sometimes but I think that Biffy Clyro rocks…………….Many of Horrors is an excellent track……………Kristie wants to go with her mate Emma to see You Me At Six at Southampton Guildhall next month………………ummmmmm yes but how are you going to get back from the train station………………………………she has grown up into an amazing young lady……………….respectful, courteous, tempermental  (like mother like daughter) loving………..need I go on???????????? Ryan is also amazing…………..he wants to cook……….he loves practical things and I think he is a chef in the making………………..he is even cooking Chilli for tea tonight………….bless…………….and then there is Tim……………..the one person who means more to me than anything in the world…………………………I love him to bits and despite our ups and downs we are getting there………………

Enough or I will cry……………………….

Whoever said life was easy

By redpanda On February 15th, 2010

lied………more time spent job hunting today and sorting out the house insurance (done and dusted) everything I tried to do seemed to confuse me…………..especially the insurance which took me over an hour to sort out because it turns out that Meerkat is not supported by the insurer that I chose even though they quoted for me…………….grrrrrrr blooming insurers…………..the fact I used to work for several in the past is irrelevant but I do understand how it works…………..

The headaches are still causing me a problem……………I am sure they are linked to the Tinnitus even though the clinic doctor does not think they are………….they are driving me nuts completely now………….its starting to affect everything I seem to do……………causes friction and slight forgetfulness……………sometimes I just want to sleep but the noise is so loud it does not help………….

The great weight loss campaign has ground to a halt…………….though I am eating sensibly and exercising I cannot seem to lose anymore now……………I still have a long way to go so I will keep trying………………I cycled twice instead of once at the weekend…………the second time was about 14 miles out in Wareham Forest which we had never done before……………I liked it cos there were not too many hills and what there were apart from one were easy to deal with……………

Not much else to report though being half term should give me a bit to talk about in the week……………..

The week it all started to take shape

By redpanda On February 13th, 2010

Well apart from a bad day on Tuesday this week has been pretty good………….One interview on Friday and several job applications submitted over the week has really been productive…………..I just hope someone offers me a job offer soon even if its only temping for a bit again………….I really do not mind…………….as long as it stops my brain from fermenting I would do almost anything……………….

Tuesday was just an off day where nothing I did made sense I know why………….but its something I prefer not to think about……………..To be honest it will not happen again…………..I will not let it happen again and I need to be in control of me……………..I think I am winning the depression battle but some days it sort of creeps up on me………….without me even realising it…………..I also have to take control of my actions more……….and not rely too much on others making decisions for me or telling me what to do……………

Valentines day……………well I have got Tim a card and a treat……………..not sure if he has got me anything…………….Because I was horrible to him on Tuesday when I lost it I feel I have to make it up to him so a rather large treat is in order………………….

Been out on the bike again today and did the Throop Loop and saw bits of Bournemouth I never knew………….not been round by the Old Mill before and a lot of the track was fairly solid as opposed to Muddy………….and for once I did not feel wiped out halfway round………….went up to Hurn Forest and then back across Parley Common then Tim went and did the Loop again while I came home…………and I am quite proud of myself for getting up three hills in the last bit on the way home without having to walk any of them……………..I actually found some extra power from somewhere which made it easier to do………….not sure about the weir by the water mill though it was very narrow and yes I did fall off again landing very heavily on my already very much a problem knee…………….

I have been out and about a lot this week looking for work but feel more tired than when I was working………..also the Tinnitus is not helping and keeps me awake at night……………….I just wish that would go away…………………its currently driving me insane…………I had a pre appointment questionnaire to do for the hospital yesterday and I can honestly say that I only answered no to two questions……………….the rest were either yes or sometimes………….I really wish it would stop but it is always there and sometimes louder than at others……………..

Things are starting to look up……………lets hope that the rest of the time that I am off is going to be as good as it has been the latter part of this week………………

Why am I so accident prone…………..

By redpanda On January 24th, 2010

Not exactly the best of weekends cycling wise due to a problem with Tim’s rebuilt bike and the fact that I managed to fall off and twist my ankle a bit yesterday but the good thing was we took Ryan out and had a look round the cycle trails at Moors Valley Country Park…………..not the sort of off road stuff we are used to doing these days but the sort of thing that does not cause a problem for Ryan as he is still getting used to riding on two wheels………….did not fall off but Ryan did……….mainly trying to go through a gap that was too small I think………….

So other than twisting my ankle yesterday and getting a huge bruise on my knee where the handlebars dug in, I have also managed to fall down stairs and turn the same one and the headache is still there…………..so all in all not a good weekend health wise………………..

Been thinking about why this keeps happening………….may be I am just clumsy or may be there is an underlying problem…………….its not related to the headaches because I have always been like this to a degree though not as much in recent years………………..my balance is fine though I feel lop-sided because of only being able to see out of one eye and hear out of one ear properly………………whatever it is its driving me mad……………..

On a more positive note when it starts getting lighter I want to go out on the bike more to try and lose more weight and get more exercise……….I need to get on the Wii Fit more again………….in a sense I wish I could cycle to work because it would be good for me…………..except it is uphill all the way home more or less…………….

Off to get weighed tomorrow…………….more random mutterings after that…………….

Why?????

By redpanda On January 21st, 2010

Went for my ENT appointment this afternoon………..and had another hearing test……….they are trying to say that they are not sure what is causing the evil headaches I have been having but they do not think it is related to the Tinnitus……………..not impressed at all with that comment as I am sure there is some form of connection between the two………..the thing is that I now have to go for a scan and that I also need to have Tinnitus management……………Now can I have the scan at the hospital that is nearest to work?????? Can I heck………………Wanted to have it done at Poole but because of where I went for the appointment I have to go to Bournemouth Hospital which I do not like at all…………….

Hope to go out on the bike at the weekend…………if my head does not hurt too much…………I am also going to take the camera out………as I want to get some pictures while we are out………..might be doing part of Wareham Forest for a change………….not done over there before so it could be fun………….as long as there are not too many hills………….well steep ones that is…………..long slight inclines are fine but I hate steep hills especially going down them………….

I really cannot think of anything else to write at the moment………..more musings to follow…………..

Ok so I am crap at updating………

By redpanda On December 4th, 2009

I am not the best when it comes to writing on a regular basis but having realised it is almost a month since I wrote anything I thought it was about time I did something about it………..

Still cycling found it hard going last weekend but that could be because I felt rough………..still enjoying it and I am not falling off as much but still have big problems with hills which I must overcome………..I just don’t seem to like going down anything too steep…………it scares the living daylights out of me watching Tim go down them sometimes and it really puts me off………….think I have mastered most of the uphill runs we do but do struggle sometimes…………we have a couple of books on cycle routes, one for this area and one that is UK wide…………………..

Still working hard at losing weight………..and it is sort of working……………finding low calorie warm lunches has been fun……….although we have a microwave at work I prefer not to use it so have found some noodle/pasta/cous cous snacks you make in a mug………..and very nice they are too……………I am also planning a Slimming World Christmas menu full of no syn goodies and low syn snacks to have……………….

Still working hard but did take a network day yesterday to finish my pressie shopping………..well almost……….just three secret santa pressies and a big thing for him indoors to get………….the kids stuff is either here or on its way and they are in for a treat…………..I love looking for ideas for them all the time and hopefully they will like what we have chosen……………..

I have a lot more enthusiasm for Christmas this year than I have had for the past few years………….I love cooking dinner on the big day………I love when the tree goes up which happens in the couple of days after the kids break up from school…………..in fact the only thing I hate about Christmas is wrapping the presents……………….it does my head in as I can never do them tidily……………there always seems to be too much paper and one end is always longer than the other…………how can anyone wrap stuff neatly……………Need to get started on the cards this weekend too………Ryan designed one at school and we have had that printed and we now have them to send out..he did say that he thought Santa looked like a devil but I think it looks sweet……………

And I shall leave you with a comment that Ryan made the other day…………

Ryan…Mum I know why we have presents at Christmas…………

Me……Ok and how do you know why………….

Ryan…Because when the Three Kings visited baby Jesus they took him Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh………….

Cue me collapsing in a fit of hysterics……………….

And on that note………….Good Night…………..

Hang the flags out……….

By redpanda On October 20th, 2009

I now have a cooker that works and not only that it is undamaged…………finally got sorted out today without much fuss……..its nice, easy to clean and very user friendly…………..its touch controlled which is a novelty and setting the clock is fun but its good to have something that works fully after being down to a small top oven for near on 6 months……………

Also went out cycling again at the weekend and yet again I fell off…..nothing new there then but we were out in the New Forest near Bolderwood ornamental drive and I went to see what Tim was looking at and promptly fell off landing with my legs in the air……more bumps and bruises and a dented ego later I got up and carried on………….but struggled with the hills a bit. We went out again on Sunday to Hurn Forest again. This time Tim and Kristie went off and then Ryan and I went off somewhere where we could practice in peace………….this time I did not fall off but Ryan did rather spectacularly almost ending up in a great big pile of mud………….he did laugh though at his silliness………..I did avoid the big hill out there this time as somehow it scared me…………

We plan to go out a few times weather permitting over half term as I am off all week and Tim is off the early part of the week………I want to do a different forest route this time though………….other plans are to get my hair cut………..sort out my eye test and going to Southampton to look round Ikea and West Quay for ideas for Christmas presents………..I love looking for ideas and hopefully will get loads as I am always at a loss on what to buy people…….

Off for a bath and an early night after playing a bit of Wii Sports Resort………………

Well………….

By redpanda On October 15th, 2009

another day and another update…………

Not that there is a lot to tell at the moment………….was sent home from work ill yesterday…………I think that to say I was bent over in pain is putting it mildly……..still the medication is definitely working even though it does make me tired……..I am so looking forward to having half term week off and being able to stay in bed as long as I like, along with getting my hair cut, having an eye test, going cycling again a few times and so on.

On the subject of cycling, whilst looking for insurance earlier I found a couple of really good cycling websites. On is called British Cycling which covers the competitive side as well as the fun side of the activity and one called British Trails which is aimed at Mountain bikers and has loads of info about all sorts of things from events to clothing to mountain bike trails all over the UK. I like the idea of going off exploring off road and on properly laid out trails………….as long as there are no steep hills that I can fall off on I’ll be ok.

Work is still going well and I am happy doing what I am doing. I have become interested in joining the health and environment group and trying to get our department more eco friendly. We don’t recycle much so I hope to get on the group so that we can change things. One step at a time though and take it carefully………….

I’m off to bed in a minute. This medication makes me tired…………………zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Being positive

By redpanda On October 8th, 2009

For so long now having battled with depression and thinking I am making headway with it, something happens and it puts me back a few steps in the road to recovery. For example, yesterday I had what could only be described as a black mood after being alone for just 3 hours. I wanted some time to think and something happens and I just flip. The only things I can remember are having a bath and a bowl of soup afterwards.  It scared me again and made me wonder if I really am getting better. I think I now know what triggered it and that was wanting to sort out the issues with  Ryan’s school for myself and not letting anyone interfere with it. Its something I have not felt in control of as Tim has been dealing with it but we both went to the school this morning and talked to them so hopefully this time it has worked.

I am trying to be positive and put all bad things and the past out of my mind in an effort to get better. I want to make my family proud of me for one thing. I want to prove to them that I can be a better person than I have been as I have let them down badly in the past. I sometimes wonder how they have put up with me and all I have put them through. So positive thoughts………….well, making decisions for myself that are for the good of the family is a starting point. No more rash decisions that are not always right. Putting other family members first instead of me all the time and to stop  being selfish to the point that they don’t like what I became.  Putting the past firmly away in a box where it can never be brought out again. Bringing happiness back into the house instead of all the hurt and pain there has been.

The hardest thing has been learning to like myself again which is something that I don’t feel that I do at the moment………..I end up crying when I hate myself but then I look at my family and think I am so lucky to have them. I think the most important thing is to come through this with the love and support of my family and then I can be the person I was before.  At least I hope I can.

So here is to a positive life with no (or very few) negatives in it and a future where we can all be happy……………

More random waffling at the weekend.

Kids and Pools……………

By redpanda On June 21st, 2009

Ok so we had my friend and her daughter over today for a BBQ so we set up the pool for them to play in. Bear in mind it was sunny when it was put up and it clouded over but remained warm and muggy for the rest of the day. So Ryan and Amber after a rather animated conversation about Pokemon decided to go and paddle. Except that they both ended up soaked from head to foot and both were fully dressed at the time. Cue towels to dry off and keep warm. It was well worth it for the look on their faces when they said what had happened. Kids and water……………a recipe for disaster but fun………………..

It was also nice to catch up with them as we have not had them over for a very long time.

The BBQ was nice. I still have a large bowl of salad made up in the fridge and some potatoes so I guess that is tomorrow nights dinner solved. Just got to find something to go with it. We had marinaded turkey, sausages, burgers, pork rashers and pork kebabs. We ate indoors because it had cooled down a lot outside.

Before we went out an incident happened that I wish with all my heart had not. My regret was that I did something I should not have done (talk to someone he does not like but I get on OK with) and then was what you might call economic with the truth to start with. They asked about a picture on my website and I replied saying that I would look into sending it to them (which I will not). I should not have replied as it has now caused a problem. The thing is I am finding it hard not to talk to this person. Apart from a happy birthday text this is the only contact for three weeks and that is the truth. But it is the truth that appears to be the problem.

More thoughts tomorrow……………………