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That is the thought that I am having now…………had two interviews last week and got declined on both but have taken all the positives out of them to move forward on to the next ones…………..got two possibly three lined up for this week……….one with an agency, one for a proper job and the other is with a company that I have been interviewed by before but then it was for a part time job……………something must come up soon……….

As I said I am being positive about things as it is the way forward in everything…………..it should help me get my head straight………….I see things in a different way slightly as I was really low before…………..for example this morning…………I decided to go into Bournemouth to check with the agencies I am registered with for updates…………the fact I did it on the spur of the moment was a new thing for me because as him indoors put it ‘it is out of character for you to do something like that’ (or words to that effect)…………..may be but I have to make my own decisions as to what I need to do and when……………getting a job is the most important thing at the moment…………followed by my MRI scan results and the Tinnitus counselling…………….

The diet is a bit hit and miss at the moment…………I am trying to eat sensibly but it does not always work………..if I have a lunchtime appointment or interview my eating habits go to pot and I end up eating junk……………….so for example I have cereal at breakfast…………..a Mugshot with a yoghurt and fruit for lunch and something decent in the evening for dinner………if I am out I normally end up with a sausage roll or something and a hot chocolate…………….

Been out on the bike a couple more times…………now we did Badbury Rings and round there on Saturday…………….few bits I could not ride up due to claggy clay………….and did a spectacular fall on what I thought was hard solid ground but turned out to have a patch of mud at the bottom of the hill which I skidded out and landed rather heavily on my elbow…………the same one I broke in a road accident 25 years ago or there abouts………….nice big bruise on it now……………….previous Saturday did in the New Forest up to Linwood and had a pub stop part way round…………..Now I am getting to love this cycling lark…………..still not too sure about some of the downhill bits but still having fun with it………………can only really manage one ride at the weekend but may start to do evening rides now that the evenings are getting lighter……………..

Speedway season starts this month………….looking forward to seeing who is doing what…………..cannot believe I have followed Poole for 34 years…………..must get down there and to the GP this year…………….

Still not been out with the camera much…………not really had the time to…………..will take some of all of us on the bikes or flying at some point…………….need to get out and fly too…………..

More updates as and when things happen………………will remain positive til then…………….

Well half term was great…………….took the kids to Southampton for the day on the Tuesday…………had a great time looking around and doing all sorts of things and trying to decide what we liked and what we did not…………..had lunch in Pizza Hut……………Ryan loved his cheesy garlic bread……………..it was just sooo nice but rather pricey……………told them next time we eat at IKEA………………now that is another story all together as I could have easily spent a couple of hundred pound in there……………..I love their kitchen and bathroom stuff…………………..and their bedroom stuff,  furniture, food, the list is endless………………….but we took all day about going around there and West Quay and it was a really good jelled together day………………..

I am still spending a lot of time job hunting…………….got an interview next week for Aquacare who are the local water boards assistance team………………also looking at temp work but my main contact is getting very little response…………….there are jobs out there if only they would take into consideration those with few formal qualifications………………………Have just checked what I am likely to get and when and it has all been confirmed…………..I even get my pension contributions back………………..but not until May at the earliest…………..

Been out on the bike again……………only 11 miles but my knee is agony………….I even struggle to get off the sofa sometimes…………………..I find it so annoying………………Tim has been off work 2 days with a bad neck cos of cycling……………….I wish he would tell me where the pain is………….I would have massaged it……………

Now I love music…………….I get whinged at for my taste sometimes but I think that Biffy Clyro rocks…………….Many of Horrors is an excellent track……………Kristie wants to go with her mate Emma to see You Me At Six at Southampton Guildhall next month………………ummmmmm yes but how are you going to get back from the train station………………………………she has grown up into an amazing young lady……………….respectful, courteous, tempermental  (like mother like daughter) loving………..need I go on???????????? Ryan is also amazing…………..he wants to cook……….he loves practical things and I think he is a chef in the making………………..he is even cooking Chilli for tea tonight………….bless…………….and then there is Tim……………..the one person who means more to me than anything in the world…………………………I love him to bits and despite our ups and downs we are getting there………………

Enough or I will cry……………………….

lied………more time spent job hunting today and sorting out the house insurance (done and dusted) everything I tried to do seemed to confuse me…………..especially the insurance which took me over an hour to sort out because it turns out that Meerkat is not supported by the insurer that I chose even though they quoted for me…………….grrrrrrr blooming insurers…………..the fact I used to work for several in the past is irrelevant but I do understand how it works…………..

The headaches are still causing me a problem……………I am sure they are linked to the Tinnitus even though the clinic doctor does not think they are………….they are driving me nuts completely now………….its starting to affect everything I seem to do……………causes friction and slight forgetfulness……………sometimes I just want to sleep but the noise is so loud it does not help………….

The great weight loss campaign has ground to a halt…………….though I am eating sensibly and exercising I cannot seem to lose anymore now……………I still have a long way to go so I will keep trying………………I cycled twice instead of once at the weekend…………the second time was about 14 miles out in Wareham Forest which we had never done before……………I liked it cos there were not too many hills and what there were apart from one were easy to deal with……………

Not much else to report though being half term should give me a bit to talk about in the week……………..

Well apart from a bad day on Tuesday this week has been pretty good………….One interview on Friday and several job applications submitted over the week has really been productive…………..I just hope someone offers me a job offer soon even if its only temping for a bit again………….I really do not mind…………….as long as it stops my brain from fermenting I would do almost anything……………….

Tuesday was just an off day where nothing I did made sense I know why………….but its something I prefer not to think about……………..To be honest it will not happen again…………..I will not let it happen again and I need to be in control of me……………..I think I am winning the depression battle but some days it sort of creeps up on me………….without me even realising it…………..I also have to take control of my actions more……….and not rely too much on others making decisions for me or telling me what to do……………

Valentines day……………well I have got Tim a card and a treat……………..not sure if he has got me anything…………….Because I was horrible to him on Tuesday when I lost it I feel I have to make it up to him so a rather large treat is in order………………….

Been out on the bike again today and did the Throop Loop and saw bits of Bournemouth I never knew………….not been round by the Old Mill before and a lot of the track was fairly solid as opposed to Muddy………….and for once I did not feel wiped out halfway round………….went up to Hurn Forest and then back across Parley Common then Tim went and did the Loop again while I came home…………and I am quite proud of myself for getting up three hills in the last bit on the way home without having to walk any of them……………..I actually found some extra power from somewhere which made it easier to do………….not sure about the weir by the water mill though it was very narrow and yes I did fall off again landing very heavily on my already very much a problem knee…………….

I have been out and about a lot this week looking for work but feel more tired than when I was working………..also the Tinnitus is not helping and keeps me awake at night……………….I just wish that would go away…………………its currently driving me insane…………I had a pre appointment questionnaire to do for the hospital yesterday and I can honestly say that I only answered no to two questions……………….the rest were either yes or sometimes………….I really wish it would stop but it is always there and sometimes louder than at others……………..

Things are starting to look up……………lets hope that the rest of the time that I am off is going to be as good as it has been the latter part of this week………………

Well that is what this week has felt like………..

The job that I loved has fallen through………failed probation which to be honest I am quite shocked at because I had no idea it was going to happen in a sense………..I believed it would be extended to take into account the health issues I have had since Christmas but alas it was not to be……………..so most of this week has been spent searching for a new job………….had one interview and got a call back to go again for a days assessment but when I sat down and worked out the pay against the hours it was completely naff and would not have given me quality time with my family and I have to put them first……………but working a 50 hour week for less than what I was on is completely crap……………so it is back to the drawing board……………I have applied for loads of jobs online………..two rejections because people are better qualified than me so will just keep at it and going out and about searching…………

Went for a long bike ride yesterday again……….found it hard work because of the wet ground in places and the new chain Tim put on kept slipping some of the time………….the solid tracks were good though and the target of a hot chocolate at the end of it was worth waiting for………………

Not long now til the Speedway season starts…………will be following the local team as usual but have been reading about one of my past heroes who has been unwell recently…………..Kelly Moran, an American who rode in the UK in the late 70’s/early 80’s who was absolutely brilliant in his day…………and it took me back to when all the American’s rode over here and we had all the test matches and America dominating the World Team Cup which was in a different format then………………..oh how things have changed with hardly any Americans riding in the UK these days but there are loads of young Aussie’s coming through the ranks……………Poole having both Chris Holder and Darcy Ward in their team is going to be good…………must try and get down there this year for a change……………..

Diet has gone out of the window this week because of what has happened…………..I hate not eating sensibly but things have got better as the week went on…………….got a nice Gammon joint today which is one of my favorites…………pity the rest of them are not that keen on it………………..

Off to see what else needs doing………………..

For some reason I have not really talked about my love of music……….it all stems back to the 70’s when I started listening to people like Donny Osmond and David Cassidy and it went on from there to bands like The Bay City Rollers and Mud though these days I prefer Rock music……….bands like The Foo Fighters and Kings Of Leon along with people like Paloma Faith and Paolo Nutini……….I even have some Jazz and Classical in there too…………really though I will listen to anything except Country……………I cannot stand it……….my current favorite is believe it or not Take That though I do like Snow Patrol and The Ting Tings as well………….currently downloading loads of music…………….the only trouble is everyone moans when I sing along as they reckon I can’t sing………….I can but not as well as I used to…………it comes from too many throat infections and bouts of laryngitis as a teenager……………….now the family say I sound like the cat has been strangled…………

Lost 3 pound in weight this week………..very pleased with that…….especially considering the amount of Toffee Pecan cookies I had at the weekend…………….though for the most part this last week or so the eating has been fairly sensible…………and cycling helps…………going out again at the weekend…………Moors Valley again I think as there is all sorts over there to look at and lots of paths we did not try last weekend with Ryan……….I just want to keep losing as I want to be a size 16 for my cousins wedding in June………….

Now that is going to be a very busy weekend as it is my birthday in the Friday, Matthew and Charlene get married on the Saturday and my Mum’s birthday on the Sunday…………..Party on I say……………never had so much going on on the same weekend ever in my life…………..

Apart from that still busy at work though it has been quieter this week…………started late but finished early as had some flex time due……….short day when you start at ten was wonderful………..even did the school run this morning for the first time in ages………….fresh air in the mornings is good…………..even if its only for ten minutes…………it worked wonders for my headache……………still waiting to hear when I have to go for my scan………….sooner they eliminate the potential serious causes the better………………..

Off to see what else is being downloaded and amend the menu plan………..

Not exactly the best of weekends cycling wise due to a problem with Tim’s rebuilt bike and the fact that I managed to fall off and twist my ankle a bit yesterday but the good thing was we took Ryan out and had a look round the cycle trails at Moors Valley Country Park…………..not the sort of off road stuff we are used to doing these days but the sort of thing that does not cause a problem for Ryan as he is still getting used to riding on two wheels………….did not fall off but Ryan did……….mainly trying to go through a gap that was too small I think………….

So other than twisting my ankle yesterday and getting a huge bruise on my knee where the handlebars dug in, I have also managed to fall down stairs and turn the same one and the headache is still there…………..so all in all not a good weekend health wise………………..

Been thinking about why this keeps happening………….may be I am just clumsy or may be there is an underlying problem…………….its not related to the headaches because I have always been like this to a degree though not as much in recent years………………..my balance is fine though I feel lop-sided because of only being able to see out of one eye and hear out of one ear properly………………whatever it is its driving me mad……………..

On a more positive note when it starts getting lighter I want to go out on the bike more to try and lose more weight and get more exercise……….I need to get on the Wii Fit more again………….in a sense I wish I could cycle to work because it would be good for me…………..except it is uphill all the way home more or less…………….

Off to get weighed tomorrow…………….more random mutterings after that…………….

Went for my ENT appointment this afternoon………..and had another hearing test……….they are trying to say that they are not sure what is causing the evil headaches I have been having but they do not think it is related to the Tinnitus……………..not impressed at all with that comment as I am sure there is some form of connection between the two………..the thing is that I now have to go for a scan and that I also need to have Tinnitus management……………Now can I have the scan at the hospital that is nearest to work?????? Can I heck………………Wanted to have it done at Poole but because of where I went for the appointment I have to go to Bournemouth Hospital which I do not like at all…………….

Hope to go out on the bike at the weekend…………if my head does not hurt too much…………I am also going to take the camera out………as I want to get some pictures while we are out………..might be doing part of Wareham Forest for a change………….not done over there before so it could be fun………….as long as there are not too many hills………….well steep ones that is…………..long slight inclines are fine but I hate steep hills especially going down them………….

I really cannot think of anything else to write at the moment………..more musings to follow…………..

Now sometimes I forget that I need to update this but apart from Tim’s birthday and me being ill nothing has really happened……………

Tim’s Birthday was good……….he liked what we bought him being the important thing and at least he no longer has to bend down to do bike maintenance…………..we did go on what he thought was a 15 mile ride but was actually an 18 mile ride on his birthday on the snow and ice which was fun…………and best of all I did not fall off…………….did have a couple of slightly messy moments when I put my foot down on the ice and nearly went sliding all over the place but managed to stay upright in the end…………..it was better than riding in the mud or sand……….mud is my least favorite surface to ride on especially wet mud as it is so hard to ride through but then dry mud is easy to get caught in the ruts…………………but the more I do it the more I enjoy going out on the bikes………….and hopefully when the weather improves we may venture a bit further afield……………

Being ill has not helped…………I have been to the doctors 4 times in the last two weeks with a headache problem which is driving me completely mad…………and before you guys say anything I know I am more than a little mad…………I have been diagnosed with Tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and have to see the ENT people………….this has contributed to the headaches which I now have decent pain killers for…………..they also checked my vision today which is not affecting the problem as is normal…………..well normal for me………..those of you who know me well know that I can only see out of one eye……………I don’t see it as a disability because it is all I have ever known………….anyway I have been told to rest this weekend so will not be cycling but might take the camera out somewhere for a bit………….

The diet is starting to get back on track now that Tim’s birthday is out of the way……….back on the menu planning and other odds and ends that seem to fit in with it all………….though somehow I don’t think cream cakes should figure in it at all…………….and for some reason at the moment I crave chocolate……………I am trying to work out why though…………..and no I am not pregnant……………too old for all that……………

That’s all for now………………back soon with more words of wisdom………………

Yep that is the plan for this year………………..I need to change certain things in my life and for the better so that is my goal…………..

By the end of the year I would like to be……….

At least another 3 stone lighter

Be on a lower dose of anti depressants

Be more calm and rational about things

and do exactly what I say I am going to do and then do it instead of delaying it

I have had a few tough times trying to come to terms with things……….some of which I prefer to forget ever happened, some of which I am glad happened even though it should have been done differently and some of which should have happened but for whatever reason did not…………..well not in the way they were planned anyway………….

My dreams for this year are to be fit and well for as much time as possible………….to get out on the bike more……….to get more other exercise…………to still be happily married to my wonderful husband………..and for the kids to be happy in what they are doing……………

Today has been good……..a nice long walk and now puddle paddling for a change but there was a lot of ice around…………..I just hope that if we get snow I can get to work……………Can’t ride the bike as my knee is playing up and driving me and I still have this headache which will not go away…………….may be I need to get it checked……………

I need to stop eating crap as well…………just as well nearly all the Christmas goodies are gone………..the sweet stuff has been my downfall this year………..Stollen, mince pies, chocolate…………..the serious diet starts again now………….I have Tim’s birthday on Saturday coming and want to do a nice low fat meal for him……….a really diet friendly one…………..so I’m off to look at recipes for the day…………….could be fun trying to find something that we both like…………

I have been watching what is going on for the Speedway season too………..looks like Poole’s team is almost complete…..what with signing Darcy Ward and bringing Davey Watt back in to go with Chris Holder things are shaping up nicely……………..I hope to get down there a few times this year and would not mind doing some photo’s……………as the collection needs a bit of variation in it now…………..

Oh well back to the meal planning……………….