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a bit because of various things that have happened……………so the good news first………….

Finally got back on the bike last weekend for the first time…………..out to Moors Valley which I like a lot cos there are not too many hilly bits…………..they also have some very nice trails out there which they are also expanding by another 7km………should be good when its finished……………as for the not many hills…………..Tim has a lot to answer for………..we always park in a lay by area near where entrance to Moors Valley is…………I hate paying for parking unless we really have to……………..and we went a slightly different way into the park this time…………..the hills in places were steeper than ever and I had to walk some of them because of the pressure on my knee………….I pinched Krisite’s kiting knee pads but got some of my own at the weekend……………..I did come off once but it was on soft sand and not too bad a landing…………..the pads worked a dream…………….I really enjoyed the ride and the knee held up very well indeed all things considered……………

The dieting is going ok…………….finally got my 2 and a half stone award and not through want of trying…………..5lb in one week for me is more than good especially as Easter was included…………put a little on last week but hopefully it will start coming off in small amounts with the odd large one thrown in………….still got a long way to go…………….

The job front is very up and down at the moment………………did a temp job in Ringwood last week for 4 days but nothing this week……………been to a couple of new agencies this week who are very forward thinking and are hoping to get me something sorted out soon……………..I did get offered a post with one of the big banks but it was then withdrawn due to references…………..no idea what has been said but I am finding it is hindering me in getting something permanent………………I just want to work……………I hate not working properly and really need the stability of working to keep me from becoming depressed again……………..I am coping but some days are really bad where as others are really good…………Tim is working from home a lot to make sure that I don’t fall back into old habits which to a degree I like but I do wish I could be on my own more sometimes……………..I know it is for my own good but I need space as well………….the one thing I do not want is to become a horrible person again…………..I want to stay away from that and make progress like I have today……………

Going to Westward Ho! Saturday……………..taking the camera and hopefully getting some good pictures then in three weeks we are off to Gisburn in Lancashire for a biking weekend……………both should be fun and it will be nice to meet some of the biking people……………………

Speedway season is now under way and my team the Poole Pirates are top of the league at this early stage in the season…………….of course there is a long way to go yet but I would like to see us win it this year……………..

More after the weekend………………..

One minute there is nothing the next I am being offered two jobs for next week in different places one of which is paying almost double what the first one is………………it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess which one I am doing………………..going to have to get used to early mornings especially if Tim is not here cos it means catching a bus  at silly o’clock to be in Ringwood at 9.00……………its with the insurance section of a finance company…………….its only for 4 days but it could become a permanent thing……………….also got another interview on Tuesday morning for something more local………………

Lost another pound this week so I am happy with that but then I should lose again next week cos I think I have got the female version of ‘Man Flu’ which is not what I want over Easter…………….I hate feeling ill……………drives me barmy…………and as soon as I complain about it everyone moans……………well next time they are ill there will be no sympathy from me…………………….

Still not feeling up to going on the bike yet……………might have a little road run out over the weekend if it stops raining long enough to go out……………..all it seems to do here is rain at the moment…………..

Still having good days and bad days but the good are outnumbering the bad which can only be a good thing…………..and I feel more content than I have done for a long time……………..again that can only be good for me……………still getting the headaches…………….though not as frequently and not as bad as they were but still there…………………

Not much else to report……………..off for a bath and an early night…………….

At last I have had some work………ok only two days and about 5 hours on each one but it is better than nothing and money coming in………………only data entry and envelope stuffing but it kept me out of trouble for a few hours…………….I also had two agency interviews last week and the agency that got me the odd days has said they will try and get me some more work but more permanent work ie long term temping or contract……………..I am not worried as long as I am working and its continual………….I’m happy to do a week here and there if I have to and can go in at short notice if I have to…………….money may not be brilliant but it is better than no money at all………………..

Lost 2.5 lb last week and picked up two new books full of great ideas and one is Family Feasts for under a fiver (not including store cupboard staples like salt and pepper or soy sauce……………) Going to try a couple in the week…………and tried a lovely Chinese fried rice one last week which was really nice…………….lets hope we are now back on track properly and get on with losing this weight more quickly……………………….

Not been out on the bike since I fell off……………….my knee is still causing me problems and is driving me mad……………I want to ride but I am worried that if I do it too soon it could cause more damage……………..ironically it is the same knee that I badly damaged in a kiting accident 4 years ago at Easter……………….then I could not fly for about a year so I am hoping that this does not take anything like as long to recover…………….

Now we are cycling we have reached a decision to sell most of the kite gear……………purely because its not getting enough use and to find any decent sites we have to travel……………..I still want to visit some of the places I have come to love as a result of kiting like Westward Ho! and we are keeping some of the small kites and the kids boards so we will still fly some of the time but not as often……………Mountain biking is the way forward and we do not have to travel so far to do it………………I will still be out taking pictures sometimes of the flyers wherever we go…………….there is always a camera on me even if it is only the one on my phone………………….I have made a lot of friends through kiting and still intend to keep in touch with them through forums or Facebook………………..

So thats it for the moment………………..more updates as and when……………

Still in a substantial amount of pain from the fall on Saturday………….but at least the swelling on the knee has gone down………..the biggest problem that I have now is that I have trouble going up and down stairs and hills………….don’t think  I’ll be cycling at the weekend unless the pain goes away completely…………..which I doubt that it will…………..

Had three interviews so far this week…………….two for proper jobs and one with an agency who did not seem to want to know me a year ago but seem to think they can’t do enough for me now……………I hope that can get me something if neither of these comes off……………the two were for a receptionist and a sales/administrator…………….I just hope someone takes me on soon so I can get back into a routine…….I hate lack of routine……………..I sort of have a system as I am off work which sometimes works and sometimes does not……………

Of course if I cannot cycle I cannot fly either…………….I want to go fly…………..might be going down to Westward Ho! for the day next month or at least I hope we are…………..my favorite kite forum are having a weekend event down there…………..its one of my favorite places in the whole country………………nice beach……….lovely small town and nice people………….I need a weekend down there as not been there since last April and it is supposed to be good for cycling down there too………………..saying that we are going to Gisburn on the Lancashire/Yorkshire border in May for a mountain biking weekend………………camping in a motorhome and leaving the kids with my parents……………

Not much else to report at the moment……………….

with pain that is……………..had a lovely ride today all out over Horton and Mannington and Holt Woods and did manage to fall of in spectacular style…………..not once but twice…………….

First time was trying to ride through some mud and landed in a muddy puddle so was not happy about that…………the second time I am not sure how it happened but all I can think of is that I came off a ledge awkwardly to get on to the path and ended up face planting the ground landing on my left knee………………..very heavily and I now have trouble bending it and going up or down stairs……………the bike was on top of that knee and I could not move at all…………now I know why my friend Chris thinks I should be put in bubble wrap before I leave home………….

Managed to get back to the Horton Inn safely though, which is where we parked the car……………….and had a really nice Prawn Baguette and diet coke there…………sat out in the beer garden as the weather was so nice…………

Had to go and get a few bits we could not get when we did the shopping last night in Parkstone and spent most of my time in agony walking around up there………………even sitting down and just standing still is a nightmare………….I hope it  feels better tomorrow………………….not biking tomorrow though………….that would just be plain stupid at the moment………………

More updates in the week………….

another interview………….more agencies dealt with and contacted…………..more thoughts of how positive I am trying to be and a couple of wobbles because of negative thoughts pretty much sums it up to be honest……………..

Lost another pound and a half which I am pleased with………….surprised as well but in a good way because I really thought that I had gained again which would have hacked me off………….Still experimenting with some recipes from the new book and magazine………..I love Slimming World chips amongst other things…………and doing SW along with the cycling is helping to boost my confidence a bit as well I think………….

New route to try out on the bikes this weekend………….starting at the Horton Inn over the other side of Wimborne………….pub lunch after????????? May be it would be nice to do something like that………….it says in the book that the route is moderate but then after last weeks escapade and the claggy clay on an easy route I reckon anything is possible………….I must look at the other routes in the book at some time to see where else we can go and see if there are any that Ryan may be able to do…………….he does not mind about 5 miles at the moment………….any more than that and he starts complaining…………..and I don’t want to fall off again like I did last week…………..I have a huge bruise on my right arm still which hurts like mad………….

Things to be positive about this weekend………….more cycling…………mothers day……………cooking roast dinner on Sunday………….being with my family without having an argument……….I really cannot see any negatives for this weekend at all…………….

More after the ride tomorrow……………..

That is the thought that I am having now…………had two interviews last week and got declined on both but have taken all the positives out of them to move forward on to the next ones…………..got two possibly three lined up for this week……….one with an agency, one for a proper job and the other is with a company that I have been interviewed by before but then it was for a part time job……………something must come up soon……….

As I said I am being positive about things as it is the way forward in everything…………..it should help me get my head straight………….I see things in a different way slightly as I was really low before…………..for example this morning…………I decided to go into Bournemouth to check with the agencies I am registered with for updates…………the fact I did it on the spur of the moment was a new thing for me because as him indoors put it ‘it is out of character for you to do something like that’ (or words to that effect)…………..may be but I have to make my own decisions as to what I need to do and when……………getting a job is the most important thing at the moment…………followed by my MRI scan results and the Tinnitus counselling…………….

The diet is a bit hit and miss at the moment…………I am trying to eat sensibly but it does not always work………..if I have a lunchtime appointment or interview my eating habits go to pot and I end up eating junk……………….so for example I have cereal at breakfast…………..a Mugshot with a yoghurt and fruit for lunch and something decent in the evening for dinner………if I am out I normally end up with a sausage roll or something and a hot chocolate…………….

Been out on the bike a couple more times…………now we did Badbury Rings and round there on Saturday…………….few bits I could not ride up due to claggy clay………….and did a spectacular fall on what I thought was hard solid ground but turned out to have a patch of mud at the bottom of the hill which I skidded out and landed rather heavily on my elbow…………the same one I broke in a road accident 25 years ago or there abouts………….nice big bruise on it now……………….previous Saturday did in the New Forest up to Linwood and had a pub stop part way round…………..Now I am getting to love this cycling lark…………..still not too sure about some of the downhill bits but still having fun with it………………can only really manage one ride at the weekend but may start to do evening rides now that the evenings are getting lighter……………..

Speedway season starts this month………….looking forward to seeing who is doing what…………..cannot believe I have followed Poole for 34 years…………..must get down there and to the GP this year…………….

Still not been out with the camera much…………not really had the time to…………..will take some of all of us on the bikes or flying at some point…………….need to get out and fly too…………..

More updates as and when things happen………………will remain positive til then…………….

Well half term was great…………….took the kids to Southampton for the day on the Tuesday…………had a great time looking around and doing all sorts of things and trying to decide what we liked and what we did not…………..had lunch in Pizza Hut……………Ryan loved his cheesy garlic bread……………..it was just sooo nice but rather pricey……………told them next time we eat at IKEA………………now that is another story all together as I could have easily spent a couple of hundred pound in there……………..I love their kitchen and bathroom stuff…………………..and their bedroom stuff,  furniture, food, the list is endless………………….but we took all day about going around there and West Quay and it was a really good jelled together day………………..

I am still spending a lot of time job hunting…………….got an interview next week for Aquacare who are the local water boards assistance team………………also looking at temp work but my main contact is getting very little response…………….there are jobs out there if only they would take into consideration those with few formal qualifications………………………Have just checked what I am likely to get and when and it has all been confirmed…………..I even get my pension contributions back………………..but not until May at the earliest…………..

Been out on the bike again……………only 11 miles but my knee is agony………….I even struggle to get off the sofa sometimes…………………..I find it so annoying………………Tim has been off work 2 days with a bad neck cos of cycling……………….I wish he would tell me where the pain is………….I would have massaged it……………

Now I love music…………….I get whinged at for my taste sometimes but I think that Biffy Clyro rocks…………….Many of Horrors is an excellent track……………Kristie wants to go with her mate Emma to see You Me At Six at Southampton Guildhall next month………………ummmmmm yes but how are you going to get back from the train station………………………………she has grown up into an amazing young lady……………….respectful, courteous, tempermental  (like mother like daughter) loving………..need I go on???????????? Ryan is also amazing…………..he wants to cook……….he loves practical things and I think he is a chef in the making………………..he is even cooking Chilli for tea tonight………….bless…………….and then there is Tim……………..the one person who means more to me than anything in the world…………………………I love him to bits and despite our ups and downs we are getting there………………

Enough or I will cry……………………….

lied………more time spent job hunting today and sorting out the house insurance (done and dusted) everything I tried to do seemed to confuse me…………..especially the insurance which took me over an hour to sort out because it turns out that Meerkat is not supported by the insurer that I chose even though they quoted for me…………….grrrrrrr blooming insurers…………..the fact I used to work for several in the past is irrelevant but I do understand how it works…………..

The headaches are still causing me a problem……………I am sure they are linked to the Tinnitus even though the clinic doctor does not think they are………….they are driving me nuts completely now………….its starting to affect everything I seem to do……………causes friction and slight forgetfulness……………sometimes I just want to sleep but the noise is so loud it does not help………….

The great weight loss campaign has ground to a halt…………….though I am eating sensibly and exercising I cannot seem to lose anymore now……………I still have a long way to go so I will keep trying………………I cycled twice instead of once at the weekend…………the second time was about 14 miles out in Wareham Forest which we had never done before……………I liked it cos there were not too many hills and what there were apart from one were easy to deal with……………

Not much else to report though being half term should give me a bit to talk about in the week……………..

Well apart from a bad day on Tuesday this week has been pretty good………….One interview on Friday and several job applications submitted over the week has really been productive…………..I just hope someone offers me a job offer soon even if its only temping for a bit again………….I really do not mind…………….as long as it stops my brain from fermenting I would do almost anything……………….

Tuesday was just an off day where nothing I did made sense I know why………….but its something I prefer not to think about……………..To be honest it will not happen again…………..I will not let it happen again and I need to be in control of me……………..I think I am winning the depression battle but some days it sort of creeps up on me………….without me even realising it…………..I also have to take control of my actions more……….and not rely too much on others making decisions for me or telling me what to do……………

Valentines day……………well I have got Tim a card and a treat……………..not sure if he has got me anything…………….Because I was horrible to him on Tuesday when I lost it I feel I have to make it up to him so a rather large treat is in order………………….

Been out on the bike again today and did the Throop Loop and saw bits of Bournemouth I never knew………….not been round by the Old Mill before and a lot of the track was fairly solid as opposed to Muddy………….and for once I did not feel wiped out halfway round………….went up to Hurn Forest and then back across Parley Common then Tim went and did the Loop again while I came home…………and I am quite proud of myself for getting up three hills in the last bit on the way home without having to walk any of them……………..I actually found some extra power from somewhere which made it easier to do………….not sure about the weir by the water mill though it was very narrow and yes I did fall off again landing very heavily on my already very much a problem knee…………….

I have been out and about a lot this week looking for work but feel more tired than when I was working………..also the Tinnitus is not helping and keeps me awake at night……………….I just wish that would go away…………………its currently driving me insane…………I had a pre appointment questionnaire to do for the hospital yesterday and I can honestly say that I only answered no to two questions……………….the rest were either yes or sometimes………….I really wish it would stop but it is always there and sometimes louder than at others……………..

Things are starting to look up……………lets hope that the rest of the time that I am off is going to be as good as it has been the latter part of this week………………